In a recent 2012 article in RePairenting Magazine: A Journal For Fearful Postnatalists, author J.P. Morgue stated “Imperfect City is but a short drive from South Philly and Camden and midway between New York and Washington. Yet, Imperfect City is the worst place on planet earth for children.” Imperfect City managed to snag the number one spot on our list for lowest rate of spontaneous outdoor occurrences per 100,000 people. Something must be done.” In response to this outcry for change, the Mayors of Imperfect City are officially unveiling a five-step action plan to encourage sex, drugs, rebellion, or any activity whatsoever in our city streets.
Drawing upon the Platonic Cave theory (as outlined by Kavanaugh & Depenbrock of Philadelphia), we are hiring philosophers to keep our police officers behind bars while we can promote more interesting ideas besides freedom and democracy. When and if we televise this News, it will be broadcast through the eyes of Special Assistants from the Mayor’s office and look like a Straight-Faced Event.
Responding to the nonexistent crime rate, the City is inaugurating the first S.W.ART Team. Securing With ART will consist of a 1,000-member vigilante social squad placed on every major city block in downtown Imperfect City. Armed with organic food and foreign languages, these attractive enthusiasts will create a safe environment for daily exchange and nocturnal expression. To counteract the lack of anything happening here, each S.W.ART team member will be responsible for inspiring dull people through such proven creative intimidation techniques as: staring meaningfully into citizens’ eyes, trying to hold their hand while talking to them about civic progress, giving them a latch key to the city, cleaning the streets of democracy on all fours, and serving downtown residents with a personal body guard to protect them from suspected bureaucrats and suburbanites.
WE the Mayors will also incentivize such online social opportunities as meet-and-tweet-a-thons and human-to-human Faceoffs. Any urban revitalization effort such as this necessitates a New Consumer Goods and Lifestyle Branding Campaign in order to ensure virtually Imperfect Tourism.
Step Two?: Blandness Relocation Program. We must respond to the need for less mundanity per capita with an immediate ban on all banking. A new invisible currency is also being developed.
Step Three: Positive Appearances Act, including enforced Non-Work sessions followed by clapping.
Step Four: Give Happiness A Program (GHAP). GHAP will supply the S.W.ART squad with a six-month renewable license for dealing a new psychotropic substance known as Hell-O.
Step Five: Provide Tax Cuts & Loop-Holes to Lure Dull People Back Into Imperfect City. Following the decline in Imperfect citizens, we will now admit any humans, regardless of personality, back into the City.
In the following pie graph, you will see the Breakdown of Spontaneous Activity in Imperfect City:
As is evident in the pie graph, most spontaneous activity takes place in the street or on public transport and usually happens in the daytime. To counteract this, we are officially moving daytime to evenings and weekends.
Unplanned behavior will now be rewarded with Friendliness and musical intervention. All guns and SUVs will immediately be melted into shovels that people can plant trees with once they come within a ten-mile radius of the City limits.
Imperfect City will erect a hotel to meet any taste and any budget. We strive to provide the most discerning visitors with passionate walking escorts. Our streets are as clean as our invisible currency can afford.